Jesus + Relationships

It's so amazing to me, it shouldn't be, because our Worship and Creative Arts team has people in it that walk with God. Just how the playlist has preached the message that you're about to hear. In fact, after this message if you'll go back and listen to the songs, we started out by talking about our thirst, and all we want is Jesus, and the overwhelming love that God has for us. And the reminder that we are sons and daughters of the most high God. If you sang those songs in worship, now's an opportunity for us to look at His word and see just how willing we really are to live it out.

So, my brother Dave is the counseling pastor of The Chapel. I was going to ask you how many of you know my brother, but I'd be afraid that that question would sound a lot like how many of you have been in his office. So I decided not to ask that question. But I am very grateful that my brother is here and providing counseling for us, so we have opportunity to benefit from his wisdom, including me. And including the many who have been trained in our Lay Counseling Institute to do the work of ministry in helping other people through difficult spots in their life. We have over sixty men and women, not only here in our church but also other churches who have been trained by my brother to do the work of counseling.

And if they have been trained, they would undoubtedly have heard a counseling principle that he teaches from that I actually want to use as a launching pad for my message this morning, and it's this. If you start with the wrong premise, you will never end up in the right place. If you start with the wrong premise, you will never end up in the right place. Well, that's it.

A good reason to pause just for a moment for some of us and ask, am I in the wrong place right now? And if I would say yes, there might be some factors and some reasons beyond this, but at least one of the reasons why we are in that bad spot, that wrong place, is because we are thinking something that is not true. A wrong premise.

So last week Pastor Jerry spoke about a wrong premise. In this commercialized culture that we live in, we have been trained since birth really, that we must have what we want to be happy, fulfilled, satisfied, have meaning and purpose in our lives. Now we want Jesus, of course we do. But we want our stuff too. And so the formula, though I don't know how many would openly confess it is this: Jesus plus our stuff. But Jesus plus our stuff is grounded on two wrong premises. And if you start with the wrong premise, you'll always end up in the wrong spot, you'll never end up in the right spot.

The first wrong premise is that you can chase after Jesus and something else. It's wrong because you can't. That thing that you're chasing after other than Jesus will quickly become a competitor to your soul. And Jesus must and will rule in our hearts without rival. As Pastor Jerry has said it, the seating capacity for our heart's throne is one. So the idea that you can chase after Jesus and something else is a wrong premise.

But Jesus plus our stuff is the wrong premise because it also is fueled by the belief that chasing after that stuff will get you what Jesus said He and He alone would provide. Chasing after stuff with the idea that it will bring you, fill in the blank, meaning, purpose, satisfaction, happiness is an admission that you and I have a hole in our hearts or we wouldn't be chasing after something to fill it. But the teaching of Jesus is clear, that hole that we all have in our hearts is a gospel-size hole and only Jesus can fill it. And therefore to look for something to fill it is to create an idol.

The reason why this is important, the reason I started out this way is because we do the same thing with our relationships that we do with our stuff. And we know we do because we experience some things, signs, indications, lights on the heart dashboard of our car it you will, like loneliness, frustration and anxiety in our relationships and restlessness and disappointment in our relationships. And it's because we are often driven by those same two wrong premises. The first being that we can chase after human relationships with the same intensity that we chase after Jesus. And there again, relationships, like stuff, can be the competitor to our heart's throne. And those relationships can't handle it and God won't stand for it.

God is very clear, for example is Deuteronomy 6:4,5: "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." God is saying very clearly to us that He must be our heart's sole affection.

But the second wrong premise if you will, is that chasing after human relationships with the same intensity that we chase after Jesus, that those relationships will do for us what Jesus himself said He would do to fill what is really a gospel-size hole. And therefore we are driven, all of us are, by broken ideas as to what will fill that gospel-size hole when we pursue relationships with the same intensity that we pursue Jesus.

And so this morning, first of all, I want to look at some of those wrong premises that we have, these broken ideas that cause us to ask others, to demand or manipulate from others and then to get angry and frustrated when they do not comply, listen to our demand that they become God to us and fill that gospel-size hole.

So here's the first. Here's a first wrong premise that often drives our relationships: I deserve to be happy. Sometimes we make that a theological statement, God wants me to be happy. But I deserve to be happy. And any time we start off a sentence with "I deserve", we know that we are chasing after the same things that this commercialized, consumeristic culture demands we chase after. But I deserve to be happy. We have seen people enter into relationships, even wrong ones on the basis of that creed, I deserve to be happy. Notwithstanding what your relationship does for the other person and notwithstanding whether or not it's a good relationship to be in, but after all, I deserve to be happy.

We've also seen people use that same criteria, that same explanation, that same wrong premise to exit a relationship. God wants me to be happy, I deserve to be happy and you're not making me happy. Wrong premise there, no one can do that for you. But to leave a relationship because "you don't make me happy". And in the process of being driven by that wrong premise, it never enters into our minds that God might be far more interested in our holiness than He is in our happiness, and maybe after we chase after His holiness in our relationships we might find some happiness as well.

Here's a second wrong premise: I'm lonely and so I, in quotation marks (drawing it out) "need" this relationship. I'm lonely and so I need this relationship.

I've been the singles pastor here at the Chapel for the last twenty-five years and one of the reasons why I am is because some of the finest people in the body of Christ, called the Chapel are single adults who although they may not be so thrilled that they are single, use their singleness to advance the kingdom while they wait for what God's got next for them. But in those twenty-five years, I've also seen people who have worn their loneliness on their sleeve, and have entered into terrible relationships that everyone around them sees except them, but they've entered into that relationship because they are lonely and they need this relationship.

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I was asked to speak at a single's Bible study, I won't mention where. I arrived a little bit early of course, and walked through the doors and was greeted by two wonderful, wonderful people. And I kind of like found a corner to be in while I waited for my assignment. And up walks to me a girl, I'm going to say maybe 28, 29 years old, and she proceeded to unravel every possible broken thing in her life. I mean, talk about TMI to the 29th power. And as I'm listening to her broken life, I am saddened by this young lady who is so desperate for someone to fill this gospel-cratered hole in her heart. She is willing to risk so much even when she has absolutely no idea of who I am or what kind of person and whether I'm safe or not.

Loneliness and not knowing where to turn can cause us to make the most miserable, horrific relationship choices. And it's a wrong premise, and if we start with the wrong premise we'll always end up in the wrong spot.

Here's the third: You will complete me. You will complete me. I'm sure most of you have seen, hopefully you're not wearing this particular kind of jewelry right now. But it's driven by this mindset of "you will complete me". You're wearing one part of this jewelry and the other part's wearing the other, but when we're together, you complete me. Missing parts. You complete me. Maybe after awhile Tom Cruise and Jerry Maguire has it right, you complete me. You are my soul mate.

And you look at that piece of jewelry, one part to one part and comes together and it's whole and you might want to stop me and say, Deone, this sounds an awful lot like what the Bible talks about when it talks about oneness. Let me try to help you. Because what we find when the Bible talks about oneness, it calls it a mystery. That's important to us that we get that straight I think. Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church."

This says a couple of things that Paul says that I think helps us in our relationship. First of all, he says the oneness that is experienced between a husband and wife is similar to the relationship between Christ and His church. Would anyone at all want to say that Christ has missing parts? That Christ is broken, that Christ, the One in whom the full God-Head dwells is missing something.

But the second thing that we need to say is this. If my wife completes me, then I am not whole. I'm a fraction. And that just does not sound healthy. And so if you look at that necklace again, and we're equal parts, one half plus one half equals one, right? That's not a mystery, that's math. But if you take one whole person and they're joined with another whole person and you put them together, one plus one equals one, now that's a mystery.

If you want to doom a relationship, base it on this philosophy: you complete me. Because you are recognizing that you are operating out of a deficit. The best relationship, the best relationships are when two people are not trying to fix the other person. Because they are in relationship with the Christ who brings shalom, wholeness, oneness.

Here's the deal. Here's as simple as I can make it. There is only one person that can fix what needs to be fixed in your heart and that is Jesus. Any other belief, I am entering into this relationship because you are going to fix me, or the relationship is going to fix me, automatically sets up an idolatrous relationship. You are expecting them to be something that only Jesus said He would be and can do.

And that leads to a fourth premise that is very similar. "Adding you will fix things". Adding you will fix things or make me fulfilled. Similar, but the direction that I want to go here is a little bit different. And I want to be very, very delicate here. But how many children have been brought into this world because of the emptiness of a non-satisfying marriage? This will fix things if we have a baby. Or we're not getting along very well in our marriage, maybe if we add a child that will fix things. Or my marriage is not making me fulfilled as a person. Maybe being a parent will.

Now, children are brought into the world and what an incredible gift they are. But when we add a person to our lives with the belief that they will fix us or fix what is broken in our lives we end up placing a weight on them that they cannot carry. And so we will somehow live through their childhood and even beyond expecting them to give our lives meaning. That simply will not happen.

Now, let me pause and say that none of us, none of us operate out of the right premise in any of our relationships 100% of the time. We don't. And that's one of the reasons why we all need to be moving towards becoming like Christ. So having a wrong premise and admitting that sometimes we're driven by a wrong premise is not a bad thing, but it becomes a bad thing if we have no intention of taking that wrong premise to Christ and allowing Him to transform us into more Christ-like husbands and wives and parents and friends.

So let me try to get us there by offering three steps that I've contemplated this week that hopefully will help us. Here's the first. Start your pursuit of love with God. Start your pursuit of love with God. Let's admit something right away. And it's a healthy thing to admit. We all want to be loved. We all need to be loved. Nothing wrong with those two statements. The issue is where we start. And I'm going to suggest that the healthiest way for us to start in our pursuit of love is with God.

Maybe one of the most helpful analogies, I certainly didn't create it, that might get us to the right place where we can consider this is that some have imagined that all of us have a love tank. And in order for us to love other people, that love tank needs to be filled. It makes sense. In order for me to give I have to have something to give. But what makes this so potentially destructive again, is where we start. Because we often start at the wrong place. You give me love and out of that love you that have for me I will give you love back. It's the wrong premise that human relationships can fill that love tank enough in order for us to love the way God wants us to love. Again, it puts a weight on the relationship that they cannot carry, that other person.

So where do we start? Well, we start with Jesus, of course. Who upon a day was asked by a lawyer, what is the greatest commandment. And Jesus said this: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself". So you see here, there are two commandments, only two. Love God and love others. And if God gives a command, then God understands that with His help we can obey it. But where do we get the love to love God and love others? We get it from God.

I want to turn our attention to 1 John chapter 4 and I'm going to go slowly through this so that you can see the direction that God gives. That we start our pursuit of love with God. 1 John chapter 4: "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us." This is where he starts, the love that God has for us. "God is love and whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." This is why we emphasize so often here intimacy with God. You start with God. He loves you, He fills that love tank and "this is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment. In this world we are like Jesus." What's he talking about? We receive this love, we rest in this love, we enjoy this love and now we are equipped to go out into the world and be like Jesus. What does that mean, that we love like He does? There's no fear in love, we sang that just a moment ago. "But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love either Him or others, "because He first loved us."

Do you see how simple John makes it? How profound John makes it? God loves us, we receive that love, we enjoy that love, we rest in that love. He fills, if you will, if that human analogy will help, He fill that love tank, and out of that love tank we are then able to love others.

Some of us get this all messed up. And here's a good place for me to just put this in. Some people will say something like this: I can't love others, you almost probably could finish this, until I first love myself. I think they get that from Whitney Houston who sang "the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself". Well, either Whitney Houston is right or Jesus is right. Because Jesus said that I can love God and I can love others, but if I add the piece that John gives here's how I do it: Not by learning to love myself but learning to recognize that I am loved by Him.

Dr. Karl Barth, a name that maybe some of you are familiar with, probably the greatest of all the German theologians at the start of the twentieth century. And towards the end of his career he was touring the United States, speaking at colleges and seminaries. And during one of those times and question and answer period, a student raised his hand and asked him, Dr Barth in all the years of your studies what is the greatest truth you have ever discovered? Well, the students were on the edge of their seat expecting Dr. Barth to say something incredibly profound. And he said this: "The greatest truth I have discovered is this. Jesus loves me, this I know for the Bible tells me so."

My dear friends, this is one way for you to get it straight. To recognize just how much God loves you. How much? He will never disappoint you. Paul says this, it's not on the screen, Romans 5:5. "The hope that God gives to us never disappoints us because the love of God is poured out to overflowing", in our love tank if you will, "by the Holy Spirit that's been given to us."

Start your pursuit of love with God because this is the power of the gospel. When we live in the direction of this love it frees us to love and not worry so much about whether or not we get it back. Because we're already loved. Does it hurt when it doesn't come back? Absolutely. But we're still able to obey God and love Him and love others because He is the one that fills us with His love.

Here's the second thing. Seek the highest goal. Seek the highest goal. That means that you and I are in all sorts of different relationships and we might have reasons and purposes for those, but let me tell you what we need to do. We need to seek the highest goal for being in those relationships. For example, you are in relationships with people who do not believe in Christ yet. They are unbelievers, if you will.

Now let's be honest. We all desire because we are social beings to fit in and to be accepted. But we also recognize at this point in our lives that sometimes when we seek to be accepted and to fit in with those who do not know Christ it might cause us to make some decisions that really we shouldn't be making. But rather than being driven by a desire to fit in and be accepted, why don't we seek the highest goal for their lives? And the highest goal, God is not willing that any should perish. The highest goal for your relationship with an unbeliever is that they come to know Christ. If they accept you, wonderful. If you fit in in some way, okay. But if you don't you're not giving up on the relationship because you have a higher goal to see them get connected to Jesus Christ.

What about relationship with other believers? Again, we're still social animals, so we like to fit in, we like to be accepted. We get that. But the highest goal of being in a relationship with other people is something along the magnitude of what the apostle Paul said. Galatians 4:19: "My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you."

So why do I spend time with another believer? Why am I standing on the platform right now? It's for this reason. That if I can in some way kick the can a little bit further down the road so that you and I become a little bit more like Christ, that's what I'm hoping for. That's why I'm in relationship with people. That's why you're in relationship with other believers. So that they become a little bit more like Christ. What a wonderful testimony, to live in such a way that after you have spent time with other believers they walk away and say, you know what? I don't know what it is, but I just love Jesus Christ a little bit more because I've just spent time with that person. That's the highest goal.

What about with your children? Hey, if this is important to you, get them into the finest college. If this is important to you, and it should be, point them in a career that will offer them meaning and syncs with the way that God has wired them. If this is important to you and it should be, give them as many memories as you can during their childhood that they will remember even long after you're gone. But the highest good is for your child, your son and daughter to know Jesus Christ. That's what truly is important.

My wife and I sought to do those three things. We tried to provide the wherewithal for Jonathon to attend a good school. We tried to help him, point him in a direction in the career that he believed that God had wired him for. With our limited resources, we tried to provide some memories that hopefully he will remember all his life.

I'm just revealing my heart, my wife's heart and telling you that what really drives us is this prayer that we have: God when it comes time, may be we close enough to the throne of God to hear you say to our son "well done good and faithful servant". That's what drives us. And the reason that's so powerful, is because it frees us from all of the things that all of us parents feel. We made mistakes, my goodness did we make mistakes. But none of those are as essential as the eternal perspective to which Pastor Jerry was talking to us a couple of weeks ago. Lift your eyes above just the fray of today and look towards the eternal. Are you preparing your child for where he or she will spend eternity? Are you pointing them in that direction?

What about your husband or wife? Even if it is a future husband or wife. I've been married now to Pat for thirty-one years. I fell in love with Pat in 1984 because I thought then and I still think now that she is the most beautiful person I ever laid my eyes on. I've stayed married to her because she is my dearest and best friend in all the world. But what really charges me, and I got this from Tim Keller, what really excites me is that because I am the closest person to her on this world, I get to participate in the activity of God that will cause Pat someday to stand before Christ faultless. That is the eternal perspective. And it does, I don't do that perfectly, it does free you from all of the stuff that we get so easily entangled in our relationships over that won't matter tomorrow, let alone eternity. Seek the highest goal.

Third. Run to Jesus first and only. Run to Jesus first and only.

Let me tell you a story, and take you back in time to tell you that story. The time frame is the first century. The Jews are about to celebrate as they have been celebrating for the last fifteen hundred years what is called the Feast of Tabernacles. Now the Feast of Tabernacles commemorated the harvest. It was during harvest that they celebrated this feast. But it also celebrated how God had supernaturally provided water for the Israelites as they were going through the wilderness. You remember how Moses struck the rock and water poured out. And so they celebrated this.

And on this particular time that I refer to the high priest would stand in the center of the congregation, the assembly of people in the Temple. And he would have a pitcher of water to symbolize what I just talked about. He would raise the pitcher of water and as he was pouring it out he would quote from Isaiah 55:1. "Come you who are thirsty, come and drink." And the water would come to the ground.

But on this particular day, there was another high priest who was in the room, and it was Jesus. And John 7 says that He lifted up His voice and cried out these words: "Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them."

If you are thirsty come to me. He says you will have out from within rivers of living water. That within, the King James says "belly", the word, no surprise here is pit or hole. When you are thirsty, when you are aware that you have that hole in your heart come to me. Come to me. Come to Jesus, and He and He alone will fill it. It's what Augustine said in the 4th Century, you've heard these words, "You have", God says, "you have made us for yourself and our hearts are restless until they rest in you."

You see, the wrong premise that we have in our relationships is that we expect others to fill a hole that He said He and He alone will fill. And we know that we do because we run after other relationships and stuff, and He says come to me when you are thirsty, when you are restless, when that person who is so valuable to you disappoints you, when you are anxious, when you are frustrated, when you are angry, again, come to me. When you recognize that you have this thirst come to Him. To do otherwise is to expect that person in your life to be God.

To borrow some words from Pastor Jerry that he applied to Edie that I'll apply to my marriage. Pat, as I said before, is a wonderful wife. Pat was and is a good mother to our two boys, Mark and Jonathan. Pat is a crazy grandmother. She's nuts. She's just absolutely a crazy grandmother. But Pat makes for a terrible God. And when I have depended upon her to do what Jesus has said He would do, we have been at our most miserable. Pat makes for a terrible God. That person that you're looking for or that person that you're throwing all of your confidence on makes a terrible God. But Jesus makes for a wonderful God, and He bids me to come freely and drink.

So if this bottle of water which is now half-done represents the love that my wife and I are going to share, there really isn't much left. And so if I say after speaking for two services "I'm really thirsty here" and she says "well, I'm thirsty too", but this is all we have to share - someone's going thirsty. Someone's going to be disappointed. Someone's going to be restless and all around us are believers who have not found the secret to our success is running to Jesus, and they're running around with their cups saying "it's empty, fill me, fill me, fill me, I'm needy, I'm needy". All the while you and I have a faucet that is attached to an ocean. And Jesus says if you come to me and drink, I will fill that up.

Here's what I know, I'm talking personally right now, here's what I know. The best times in relationship for my wife and I are when both of us are drinking out of that faucet that is attached to an ocean called Jesus and we get to share filled cups. Now that doesn't happen all the time. It happens more as we grow into the likeness of Christ and we recognize that to place an expectation on each other that they are going to fill this cup when Jesus says He will fill it.

And so I either believe that or I don't. I either believe the music that I listened to just a moment ago or I don't. I either run to Him to fill this cup up or I expect other people to do it and if I expect other people to do it, I will continue to be frustrated and anxious and profoundly disappointed. Jesus was not lying, Jesus was telling the truth.

And our relational mission, the reason why God wants us in relationship is to point people to the One who offers satisfying water. That's our relational mission. That's really nothing more than a synonym of "we exist so that every man, woman and child can have repeated opportunities to see and hear the life-transforming truth of the gospel". That's what this is, our relational mission is to point people to the one who offers satisfying water, but I can't make that offer if I'm not drinking from it myself.

Would you bow your heads with me? As we close in prayer, I'm just being honest with you, God makes things very, very clear. And all I know is that all of us in our relationships can really have a way of messing things up. And we mess things up because we turn to other people and expect them to meet needs that Jesus Himself said He would meet. And maybe this morning you have tried everything and maybe you've tried a lot of relationships and you still sit here today and you are profoundly disappointed. May I encourage you to take Jesus at His word and run to Him. If you've never made that choice to give your life completely to the One who satisfies I'd encourage you, when this service is over to go to the Fireside Room and to talk to someone who would love to connect you to Him.

But maybe you've already made that confession of faith in Jesus Christ. But if you're honest right now it's been a long time since you drank from that water and you're parched, you're thirsty and you've been turning in all sorts of different directions expecting them to fill that need when Jesus says "if you are thirsty" and that means right now in this room if you were to look deep down in your soul and you said I am thirsty, Jesus says one thing. I have one thing for you, 'come to me and drink freely and I will satisfy you'. And the best advertisement for Christianity and for the gospel that we have is to walk through this week demonstrating that we are fully satisfied in Him.

God give us and grant us the wisdom to know that our pursuit must be you. Drive us to our knees and drive us to you so that we can drink of the water that is you knowing that you do not lie, you cannot lie and therefore when you say to us 'when you are thirsty' and you are, and we know we are, 'come to me and drink'. Lord, I pray that there would be a lot of people within the sound of my voice who would be driven to the all-satisfying water of Jesus Christ because it is true, it is real and it is life-giving. For Jesus sake, we pray. Amen.

God bless you, have a wonderful week. Thank you.